Well today is Father's Day, but I have nothing to celebrate. I had planned on spending the day at the lake with my family, but yesterday pretty much ruined that. My mom and dad were too concerned about having stuff to fish with instead of spending the day with me and Brayden. It really made me feel unimportant and needless to say that's how I spent my night. I got into it with my mom, and well my dad, he has never been the father type, so I don't know why I expected so much out of him. I guess it just really hurt my feelings that he wasn't considerate of me at all.
I got back home and watched a movie with Samantha and the boys and that was fun. I loved getting to cuddle up with my Boo Monster. When the movie was over, I came upstairs to bed, but I couldn't sleep. Stress always gets the best of me. I was hoping to have a nice chat with the husband to feel better, but that backfired on me royally. I want to feel like he misses me and the boys, but I just don't get that from him. I feel that when it comes down to us or the people he is stationed with, its always going to be them until he gets home. Its so frustrating. I don't know how much more I can tolerate, and to be honest I don't really feel like I should have to put up with any of it because I have put up with enough already.
My husband says that I am living in the past and that things keep preventing me from moving forward. Well maybe that's so, but he shouldn't forget the things that caused me to be this way. He says that we have both hurt each other, which is true, but the level of hurt that I have felt from him is unbearable at times. Even though it is in the past and we are trying to make things better, my scars are too deep to just forget it all and act like it never happened. He may not be doing anything wrong in Korea, but I will always have my doubts. I don't know that I will ever get passed the hurt that I felt. Knowing that I was lied to and that I wasn't the only one. Knowing that for weeks, I was told we were okay and I had nothing to worry about, when I had every reason to worry. How do you just forget that? How do you act like it never happened, when it hurt so bad? How do you believe someone when they tell you that you are the only one, especially when they said it before and was telling someone else the same thing? Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be able to move forward and leave the hurt behind me? Will I ever truly feel that love again and know that its real? I just want to find my happy place again, where I don't have to put on fake smiles and make myself laugh to hide the pain that I really feel. I think I deserve that.
