Days like this

Today has been another rough day. I didn't go to bed until pretty late last night, and I woke up with a horrible headache this morning. I got to talk to my husband last night, although he wasn't very talkative. I understand that he is working like a maniac over there, but it would be nice to feel like he wants to talk to me sometimes. A part of me feels like if I should be able to stay awake just to talk to him, why can't he do that for me. I know that isn't fair, but its just the way my twisted mind works.

I stayed at home and in my pajamas all day today. You know it's bad when it's payday and you don't even feel like going to get your check. I just wanted to lay in bed. For awhile, I laid in Caleb's bed, lol, yeah that's right, I laid in my son's toddler bed. Then I moved to the couch, where I spent the biggest part of my day. Caleb wanted some hotdogs, so I cooked them for him, we ate and watched some tv. He decided to go spend the night with his Grandma Rita tonight, so I let him go, and then I put Brayden to bed. I was hoping to relax a bit, but I didn't. I mean, I didn't do anything, I just don't feel relaxed.

It's almost 4 in the morning, and I am still awake. I was hoping that I would get lucky enough to talk to the husband again tonight, but still no luck. Sometimes I just get these horrible ideas, and feelings in my mind and they really get the best of me. If you knew all that we have been through, you would understand. I try my best not to live in the past, but it always finds a way to catch up to me. On the inside, it's eating at my heart, but I never show it. I just keep telling myself that eventually I will get passed all of the hurt and sadness that once filled my heart, but in my heart, I know those feelings will never go away. Some people forgive and forget, and my oh my, how I wish I had the ability to do that. You see, I can forgive almost anything, but forgetting is something that I am no good at. I have a fear that one day that will destroy me and my family, I can only pray that it doesn't. Pray that things can only get better, because I don't believe they could get any worse than they have already been. The only place left to go from here is forward, because if I go back, it will tear me apart.

(108 days down)